Face your fears. That’s what everybody says, right? That’s the way to get over it; that’s the way to grow. But what if you start this process as an adult? What if you were never taught any of this when you were younger and now you struggle as an adult to overcome personal fears? Well that’s exactly where I am right now in life.
10 years ago I was laid off from my interior design job because of a poor economy. Just when I thought I knew exactly what I was doing and right where I should be, my entire life was turned upside down. This is when I started my Mary Kay business and took a giant leap of faith. This is probably the first time that I did take a giant leap of faith in my adult life. Everything prior to that was me falling into what I felt like I should be doing.
When I started my Mary Kay business it was also about the same time that I started dating Chris. When you date a combat veteran Marine who has been through more than you’ve seen in every single movie in your entire life, you start to really look differently at the world. I am with a man that bases his entire life on facing his fears and challenging himself every day. It was harsh reality for me to realize that I never do the same.
Enter this blog. I know I’m probably the most inconsistent blogger in the world. And that’s because it is a huge fear of mine. I am probably the best at self-sabotaging that you will ever see, and if you had any clue how much I overthink things and doubt myself, you would wonder how I even get on social media and talk at all. I’m open and honest on social media because I have challenged myself to do so. I am a very self-conscious person with a very low self-esteem. I have a hard time with the way I physically look and I suffer a lot from anxiety. I used to struggle tremendously with being in pictures and I didn’t ever want to be photographed. I realize very quickly in college that I was going to be in photos whether I wanted to or not, so I better learn how to smile, pose and feel better about myself in said phoots. I was always the person that had my eyes closed when everybody else looked cute LOL! So I practiced and I taught myself how to pose and how to keep my eyes open and how to not cringe after every photo I saw of myself. It took many years and a lot of positive self talk but I did get to a point of enjoying being in photos and I am probably a person that takes way more photos than anybody else in my life! I now truly enjoyed being in photographs and having those memories .
Putting myself out there in pictures is one thing. Learning how to be myself and face my other fears is what comes next. And frankly that is the spot I am still in and probably will be for a while. One minute I am unbelievably excited about my blog and the opportunities it is affording me, and the next minute I am absolutely terrified to even message anybody, reach out for collaborations or ask a photographer for photos or anything. I have turned down certain collaborations out of fear that none of my followers would purchase anything or use my discount code to begin with. I have also never applied to Reward Style because I am simply afraid that I will get rejected. Do you have any idea how many bloggers get turned down their first time? It’s a lot! It is really not a rare occurrence for bloggers to be turned down a couple of times before they’re accepted. But I still haven’t been able to get over that fear because in my mind my blog is not good enough right now.
My fear is paralyzing to me. My anxiety is absolutely my downfall. It’s very hard to teach yourself to be confident later in life... it is very real to wake up one day in your 30s and realize that nobody really taught you that. Just like most things in life, you have to be your own advocate and you have to set out to learn the things that maybe were not laid out to you. A decade later I can look back and realize that the fear I felt when I didn’t have a job and the faith I had when starting my Mary Kay business was my first step to actually facing my fears and changing my life. Mary Kay is where I learned a lot of the skills and positive self talk I needed to change my perspective on life and myself. The rest has really come in the last two years when I’ve had to step up into positions and situations I never thought I would be in.
I’m not really sure if it’s the fact that I became a mother... or the fact that I have dealt with so much in my personal life the last couple years, but I had a point of being fed up with myself. Actually it’s probably all of the above. The last two years of my life have really messed with my head. I feel unbelievably lost right now but at the same time like I found my way in all of this mess. When I say I feel lost I mean in terms of exactly how to accomplish everything and how to wade through the shit I’m in. And when I say I feel like I found my way, it’s because I feel like I truly have found my purpose and my goals. My anxiety has always been over how to connect the two. But God is teaching me that maybe I didn’t know what faith really was. Maybe I need to let go every day and not know my exact path, just the destination I want to get to.
I have a fear of talking about my fears! So that’s why I decided to talk about them today. Sometimes it’s extremely cathartic to write it out and put it out there for the world, so that’s what I’m doing. This blog scares the crap out of me every single day. But it also excites me more than anything ever has in my life. I don’t always talk about my blog with my family or my closest friends because if I’m being honest, I am fearful of somebody stealing my dream away from me. A lot of people in my life do not really enjoy social media that much. It’s just not what they enjoy doing with their time and that’s totally fine. But it is something I enjoy doing with my time and not everybody understands that. I am also fearful that people don’t realize how important this is to me. It’s very easy for bloggers to look like very self-absorbed people. When you have a photographer follow you around and take pictures constantly, and you’re always worried about how you look or snapping a picture before you eat whatever… People can become very annoyed with you. It’s already hard to pose and not think about all of the people on the sidewalk passing you wondering what you’re doing. To have your family and friends annoyed with what you’re doing instead of really understanding it and seeing it at value can be really tough too.
I am fearful that people will think I am more into myself than I really am. When in actuality taking these photos and posing for a blog is my way of facing my fear of how self-conscious I am. So while some may think I look self-absorbed, it’s very much the opposite. I am also extremely fearful of interacting with other bloggers because it makes me feel less than. It’s hard for me to feel like I have so much to say and I do have the talent and ability to style outfits and do artistic things... and then to compare my social media accounts and my blog with others and feel immediately like I’m not good enough. There have been plenty of times that I have finally worked up the courage to message another blogger or to inquire from the photographer about their rates... Only to have those people completely ignore me or send me condescending messages that they will not photograph me because basically, in a nutshell, me and my blog are not good enough. I have “made friends” with many bloggers that never show any interest in being friends with me after our initial meeting. I legit cried for weeks over certain people hurting my feelings. When you’re a sensitive person, a lot of times it’s easier to not socialize. When I try to socialize and make new friends, it can be really devastating sometimes. It has made me second-guess myself so many times. It’s a fear.
My social anxiety is paralyzing. But guess what? I’m facing my fears by going to local events and forcing myself to be more social. My blog is a tool for me to be able to do that, and to find people with similar interests as me. It has also helped me connect with other mothers which has been so important as I raise my first child. This blog is HUGE to me. There is a way for me to grow and soon I will be able to help other people do the same by sharing.
I’ve gone back-and-forth for weeks and whether or not I should participate in a blogging event and yesterday I finally decided for sure that yes I am going to. Sundance Square is holding a competition this weekend called blogger games. This is something that makes me anxious and I’m sharing with all of you so that you understand why am doing it. Of course I would love to win a gift card to Sundance Square but more so I am facing my fear of challenging myself to style multiple outfits is a limited period of time. I will also admit that I have been anxious over who else I will be competing with and whether those bloggers are better than me and whether I should even try. So I would like to share that my personal victory this weekend will be simply completing this competition and having the guts to post my pictures. And whether or not I get any votes I will be proud of myself for just following through. I’m not going to lie I woke up this morning extremely anxious and thinking of not going today. So that’s when I decided to face my fear and write this blog post. So I would like to share that my personal victory this weekend will be simply completing this competition and having the guts to post my pictures. And whether or not I get any votes I will be proud of myself for just following through. I’m not going to lie I woke up this morning extremely anxious and thinking of not going today. So that’s when I decided to face my fear and write this blog post.
Fear is a liar. Sometimes it’s a lot easier to lie to yourself the to challenge yourself. I have a hard time recognizing my own talents and putting it out there for the world. If you are someone that feels the same, I challenge you to face one fear this weekend.
