Tuesday, January 7, 2020

Long Hair

Last time I cut my hair was over three years ago. Yes you read that right OVER THREE years ago. Right now my hair is crazy long. It’s in my way every single day. It touches the counter when I reach over to wash my hands or wash the dishes. It’s heavy and gives me headaches when I put it up in a topknot a.k.a. the poof. It’s ridiculously unhealthy. I haven’t had a haircut in three years.

Lately I keep making excuses as to why I can’t make it to the hairdresser to get a cut. I don’t have time, it’s an extra expense that I don’t really need to spend right now especially around the holidays. But it’s all silly nonsense because I could easily make the time to do it. And let’s be real A haircut costs less than a dinner out for us or a new sweater. So a few nights ago in the shower I really stopped to think what is making me hold off and what is stopping me from cutting my hair. Does anybody else use their shower time to analyze the shit out of themselves?! When I really stop to think about it, I think of the last time I got a haircut. It was a couple months after Kendall was born and I was desperately seeking something to make things a little easier on me. 

I have always had a pattern of growing my hair out and then chopping it off. This is nothing new to me.  I’ve also always been admired for my hair. It’s crazy thick and long and straight and people have told me my entire life that they’re envious of my hair. I was kind of known for it when I was younger. But when I think back to my last haircut, it was the only time I chopped it and didn’t feel like myself. There were plenty of times that I cut my hair short. A few years ago I decided to get bangs and I had never had them in my entire life. It was a fun decision and a sassy new look for me that I loved. I also cut my hair really short when Chris and I were dating and it was kind of like a layered bob, which is something I had never done before. I loved those cuts and I really had fun with them so when I sit and think to myself what was different the last time I cut my hair, I can only come to one conclusion. The last time I cut my hair it was, as I said, out of desperation. I was sleep deprived and really struggling as a new mom and it’s sort of cliché that when you’re a new mom and you have a baby that you chop your hair. Well it’s exactly what I did, and it was the first time I made a decision on my personal appearance that was decided by an outside factor and not me being really OK and excited about the change.

It was the first time I cut my hair and I didn’t feel like myself. Nothing at all against my hairdresser or the cut or anything. I wasn’t necessarily unhappy and I didn’t regret it or anything. But when I sit today and think of why I’ve been putting off a haircut for three whole years... I mean, I’m talking not even a trim in three years... I can’t help but wonder if the reason why is really because I am lazy OR whether there’s something inside of me that’s really scared. It doesn’t even really matter that I have total control of the length. I have never ever had a bad haircut from my hair girl. In fact I love her so much that I don’t think I would even go to somebody else besides her. I think it all lies in how I felt after the last haircut. And the thing is, I didn’t even realize exactly how I felt until just recently. I didn’t feel like myself. I didn’t feel like it was a fun, sassy decision. I felt like it was totally based on my circumstances. 

If you’re a mom you probably know how I feel. There are some people that transition really easily. I was not one of those people. I know that I am a good mom. But I really really struggled with the change of becoming a mom. I think this is a story about a manifestation of my struggles and my anxiety. I don’t like the way my hair looks right now and it’s very unhealthy. It looks straggly and not gonna lie just kind of gross. Not to mention that it’s completely unmanageable at this point. I’m really hoping that expressing these feelings and this realization hits me to the next point of just being able to suck it up and go get a haircut. It seems so silly. (it’s funny how often I say silly now that I am a toddler mom LOL) but for real it seems kind of ridiculous that I wouldn’t just go get my hair trimmed and take a little me time. I mean come on, what woman doesn’t love getting her head massage while she’s getting a shampoo and having somebody else dry and style your hair??!

So I've scheduled an appointment for today!  YAY! And I'm hoping (I know) I will feel amazing afterwards because I’ve never felt anything except short of amazing after I get haircut by Lana. My last cut was wonderful. It was just the circumstances that I was unhappy with. I can’t wait to have her make me feel amazing again.

And I can’t wait until, hopefully, another mom reads this and thinks wow I really know where she’s coming from and how she feels.  Happy back-to-school time y'all! lol yay for some me time and facing something I've put off for way too long!

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